Beer Up's Beer Trends for 2016
WARNING: What you are about to read is purely meant as humor (albeit a poor attempt). Any resemblance to current beers or current beers in development is pure coincidence and should not be interpreted as an affront to anyone's feelings or an attempt to hijack your next great idea.
OK, now that I got that out of the way, you are probably wondering what the heck this is going to be about? We have all seen the growth of craft beer and explosion of new beer trends. With these trends, are lists of new trends, list of future trends and bold predictions for beers to come. Below is Beer Up's thoughts on some current trends and what would happen if brewers were to take them to the far extreme. Sarcasm intended. Enjoy our latest six-pack!
OK, now that I got that out of the way, you are probably wondering what the heck this is going to be about? We have all seen the growth of craft beer and explosion of new beer trends. With these trends, are lists of new trends, list of future trends and bold predictions for beers to come. Below is Beer Up's thoughts on some current trends and what would happen if brewers were to take them to the far extreme. Sarcasm intended. Enjoy our latest six-pack!
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1. It's Your Child's Wine- Love em' or hate em' the hard sodas are selling like crazy, and a good amount of the sales appear to be to adults of legal age. Look for this new product in grocery stores everywhere soon. Labeled like a wine, smells like a wine and sold in the wine aisle, it's actually just children's fruit juice. For that hipster parent that wants to pay 4 or 5 times the price to be seen buying their kid's juice in the wine section.
2. Session IPA N/A- The ultimate all day drinker, the N/A Session IPA gives you all the drinkability you can handle with that watered down IPA flavor you like. It's like an IPA but without all that alcohol to slow you down, while still providing you the empty calories and multiple trips to the bathroom you love. Look for this product where other fine non alcoholic, malt beverages are collecting dust.
3. Golden Corral Stout- This one really addresses two fads going way to far. This beer provides you all the ingredients of the best buffet in america, condensed and extracted into one XXXL stout. Steak, fried chicken, a chocolate fountain that 200 runny nose children have dipped their hands in, bread pudding and many other fine ingredients will make their way into this tasty treat. You won't have to endure the walk of shame to your car when you are done, and can enjoy all your favorite tastes while planted on the sofa. Every product also comes with the full ringing endorsement of Jeff Foxworthy on the bottle. Granted, we really don't know Jeff or if he knows anything about beer, but he is way to skinny to be believable endorsing a buffet or a beer.
3. Golden Corral Stout- This one really addresses two fads going way to far. This beer provides you all the ingredients of the best buffet in america, condensed and extracted into one XXXL stout. Steak, fried chicken, a chocolate fountain that 200 runny nose children have dipped their hands in, bread pudding and many other fine ingredients will make their way into this tasty treat. You won't have to endure the walk of shame to your car when you are done, and can enjoy all your favorite tastes while planted on the sofa. Every product also comes with the full ringing endorsement of Jeff Foxworthy on the bottle. Granted, we really don't know Jeff or if he knows anything about beer, but he is way to skinny to be believable endorsing a buffet or a beer.
4. Honey Bunches of Hops- The ultimate hop head, IBU chasing dream. Gone are the old days where a trip to the beer store only gave you one choice in states of matter. This is the beer for lovers of cereal or fans of chunky peanut butter. It comes with chopped up hops and hop pellets to give you that rabbit food breakfast beverage you crave. With 4 servings of greens, this is a beer and a salad in one.
5. Beer Suicide Freestyle- Ah yes, the joys of childhood, when we all lined up at the 7-11 soda machine to create a nasty concoction of all the sodas that we playfully referred to by the same name as killing oneself. Looking back it was not that far off an analogy. Well now fast forward to 2016 for the ultimate collaboration beverage. Using the marvels of the freestyle machine you see at fast food restaurants, you can make your very own collaboration beer by mixing over 40 different brewers and their adjuncts. Thousands of beer flavor combinations come together as you mix up the next great collaboration brew.
6. Beer Dip- Remember those cool bags of powder you used to dip that chalky stick into as a kid? I can remember that saliva crusted, salty, sour wand and the enjoyment it brought as you dug in to refresh the flavor. Now you can have that same excitement in a beer! Each one comes with it's own sweet candy dipping stick. Dip the stick in the beer, then choose your own level of tartness as you plunge it into a sleeve of citric acid. Don't worry gose lovers, there is a salt pouch there for you as well.
Honorable Mention- This thought was just too extreme even for us. You've tried your favorite beer with Nitrous Oxide and Carbon Dioxide, but what might it taste like with other gas combinations? Now you can find out with the Hydrogen Sulfide variant what that beer tastes like infused with rotten egg smell. Maybe you like public pools? Well you can have that too with the chlorine variant of your favorite beer. Of course, you really have not lived until you have tried it on Radon, Neon, Ozone, it's all available. Warning: Some of these gasses could actually kill you.
If you have made it this far, you are probably wondering where to send the hate mail or flame us for being such hypocrites. Please direct it to us on Facebook, Twitter or via email at contact@beerup.beer
6. Beer Dip- Remember those cool bags of powder you used to dip that chalky stick into as a kid? I can remember that saliva crusted, salty, sour wand and the enjoyment it brought as you dug in to refresh the flavor. Now you can have that same excitement in a beer! Each one comes with it's own sweet candy dipping stick. Dip the stick in the beer, then choose your own level of tartness as you plunge it into a sleeve of citric acid. Don't worry gose lovers, there is a salt pouch there for you as well.
Honorable Mention- This thought was just too extreme even for us. You've tried your favorite beer with Nitrous Oxide and Carbon Dioxide, but what might it taste like with other gas combinations? Now you can find out with the Hydrogen Sulfide variant what that beer tastes like infused with rotten egg smell. Maybe you like public pools? Well you can have that too with the chlorine variant of your favorite beer. Of course, you really have not lived until you have tried it on Radon, Neon, Ozone, it's all available. Warning: Some of these gasses could actually kill you.
If you have made it this far, you are probably wondering where to send the hate mail or flame us for being such hypocrites. Please direct it to us on Facebook, Twitter or via email at contact@beerup.beer
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